Saying Goodbye to a Parent

When we find ourselves at that most unpleasant and heart-crushing time in our life where the family has to let go of a parent, it can be especially difficult. Understanding how to cope, explain your loss to others and how to say goodbye is not something taught to people. We are generally left to navigate these waters on our own, stumbling through emotions while some handle the grieving process in unhealthy ways. Saying goodbye to a parent is a life-changing event that I would like to help you with.

1. Know Your Limits but Do Your Best: We all have limits to how much we can do and how much we can take on. Losing a parent or loved one is one of the most difficult things we go through in life. Add to the difficulty of losing someone you care for the fact that families always have history and baggage which could make the grieving process that much more difficult. Don’t let the baggage keep you from saying goodbye but don’t risk your mental health. If you can only be at the bedside for a few moments at a time, that’s ok. Excuse yourself and return when you are ready. Give your best effort, the important thing is to give your loved one peace in their final moments and allow yourself to grieve.
2. Say What Needs to Be Said: Talk to your loved one. It is that simple, talk to them and let them know how you feel. Don’t argue or bring up mistakes from the past. Share happy memories and things that make you both smile. Even if your loved one can no longer communicate they may still be able to hear your words. Let them know how much you love them and assure them that it’s ok to move on to what’s next.
3. Keep Hope and Realism: Hope is a powerful thing but still be realistic. It is hard to say goodbye to someone we love. Loving them is powerful and can cloud our reality to just how sick they are or what the eventual future holds for a terminal loved one. Hope may keep us moving forward but it can let us down when the inevitable comes. Understand that it is a balance and know that death is one of many phases of our lives that happen, this final phase can be met with grace, comfort, and love easing our loved one on.
4. You Are Losing A Part Of You: Understand that losing a parent or both of them is like losing a part of your soul. Even if you had an unpleasant or difficult relationship with that parent, when they are gone you will always feel that. After your parents are gone you are an orphan on this earth and that doesn’t change for any of us. It is a strange new phase of life that brings with it a very different outlook on the future. Take time to absorb this new reality and what it means to you. Take time to grieve and understand your new place in the world. It is a somber opportunity to learn more about you and what you want to leave behind once you reach the end of your journey here.
5. Focus On the Positive: Focus on the positive in your life with your parent. Life is far too short to dwell on the past hurt, anger, and mistakes. Take the final movements you have with your loved one to share the good that was shared between you. No one is perfect, some very far from it, but your parent shouldn’t have to end their life here in misery over past mistakes. You also can find comfort in having had some peaceful moments with them in their last days; those memories will live with you forever.
6. Faith and After Life: It is hard to know, unless your faith dictates, what will happen after we pass on. If you believe in an afterlife, hold on to those beliefs. Your faith will help you make sense of everything. If your parent is religious, offer to pray with them and talk to them about their spirituality even if you are not. This is not the time to debate God or religion, it is a time to comfort your parent. If you ascribe to a different faith than your parent, allow them this time to view the world through their faith, as this is their time to prepare themselves before they make their journey into their next life. Show respect and love, this will help you in your grieving as well.
7. Take that Last Chance: If there is a question of “if” you should go to say goodbye, the answer is…there is no “if”. Not taking the opportunity to say goodbye will haunt you. The chance to visit with your loved one for the last time is helpful for them and you. Seeing them alive in whatever state is better than seeing them later. It is hard to see someone you love unresponsive, uncomfortable, or at the end stage of a terminal illness but not being there to say goodbye or comfort them will bother most people. It is a time to be as strong as you can to help that person who has always been there for you. Help them comfortably move from this life on.
8. Honor Their Requests: Your loved one may at some point lose the ability to communicate for themselves and this is normal in their final days. If they made final requests, have a living will or a made “do not resuscitate order” (DNR). Honor their requests for their final moments, honor the health care surrogate that has been put in place. If mom was made the surrogate for dad, the advanced health care directives in place will be carried out at her direction. The directives make her job much easier but no less emotional as this is still an understandably difficult time.
9. Don’t Forget About You: Much of what I have mentioned is about making this transition from life to death as comfortable as possible for the parent. Many of the same discussions are meant to also make you more comfortable. The reality is it is still going to hurt and nothing will change that. This will change you in many ways and the truth is that you can decide how it changes you. Take care of yourself during this highly stressful time and long after your parent has passed you will still need to take care of your emotions and well-being. Don’t withdraw from others that can bring you comfort. Stay healthy and avoid drowning your pain in drugs or alcohol. Seek out a mental health professional if it all becomes too much for you, there is never any shame in taking care of yourself physically or mentally. You are human and life isn’t easy, take care of yourself.
10. After: When that final day does arrive and all the ceremony is complete. When all the friends and family are done with their grieving, your grieving soul will start to lift and the drumbeat of life will return…embrace it. You will never forget your parents, for better or worse. You will always love them and if you believe in an afterlife they will continue to love you in whatever form that takes. A part of you will always be reminded of them in everyday things. You will carry them with you forever, as your children will carry you. Pass their lessons and love, with your own, on to the next generation. Don’t stop living, don’t stop moving forward…every day is a gift and your parents gave you that gift when they brought you into this world.

When that day passes and your parents are no longer physically at your side, take solace in knowing they will always be a part of you. You are now an orphan in this world but we will be in this place just as our parents were before us. The love, the lessons, and the life of memories good and bad is what they leave behind for us to pass on to the next. Take all of it, be happy for the portion of this journey you both had.

John PayCheck is a song writer, entertainer, civil servant, author and father. He has a Masters of Science in Military Studies from USMCU and Bachelores of Science from Franklin University. He resides in Virginia on his family farm.

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